im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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