had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Randomize
