In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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