he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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