What a fucking waste of an outfit
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
