had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
