I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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