What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
True strength comes from lack of pants
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
