who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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