and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
