My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Everyone says I win the strip club
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
