i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
