I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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