ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
