dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
