i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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