Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
