Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
