i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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