Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
