god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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