Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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