she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
