Say something about gay babies.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
