so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
