I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
