It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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