things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh god it's open bar.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
