FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
