she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's shark week go big or go home
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
