definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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