It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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