So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
