mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
