Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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