I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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