I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
