he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We just shotgunned beers for America
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
