i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
