I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
