I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
