I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
