Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
