____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
