I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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