Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
