textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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