billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
