Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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