Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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