i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
