just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
